See there is a real distinction between wanting to be something and actually pulling it off.
Further inquiry reveals I am less openminded than I have ever been, and that while I value kindness I struggle to actually have it or know it ( I get jealous and insecure and then want to take everyone's jelly beans away out of spite ).
I like that about me.
I like it because it's where I am. (It's not where I've always been - I was a tender hearted dumpling of a child - or where I will be - I'm gonna get this kindness and compassion shit DOWN ) but, right now, it's where I am, so I love it, I love it because this is where my human frontier is, between who I think I should be and where I actually am, and in that willingness to love the fucking hooties out of it, it opens up.
Yelling or judging is a self rejection that creates a very hostile inner environment where nothing good grows. And no one wants to go to that party, especially not me.
In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey discusses the goose and the golden egg, how the farmer got greedy and killed the goose to get all the eggs and the game came crashing to an end. He's talking about how often we focus on the golden egg part of a system without paying attention to the system that produces it, whatever that system might be.
For example: In my past, I'd focus rather manically on feeling good, (my golden egg) but never adequately nurtured the system that actually let me truly flourish, like, the development of good joyful habits and mindsets. In my former relationship, my ex had a better sense of the goose of our relationship and wanted to build it and was patient through the growth periods, but I was myopically clustered around the golden egg of romantic bliss and when that wasn't there I wanted to kill the goose to make it happen, or break up with old goose so new goose can give me my golden egg (still working on loving that part of my self, y'ouch)
This is why most people do well when things are going well and do horribly when they're in growth inducing moments: they don't understand that the problem is making a better goose for them that will bring even better golden eggs.
Acknowledging this is immediately calming. It turns the problem into a new kind of golden egg moment, because goose getting better is kind of like a golden egg. But most of us are crazy for dem golden eggs and have very little consciousness around lovin' on our gooses. It also creates a goose that is an ecosystem that is friendly and wise about kindness and compassion because I've built that kingdom with in first. And I like thinking of authentic compassion and kindness as a golden egg because it's value is truly beyond measure and it seems rare in the world.
That's why a simple acknowledgement of my lack of kindness is a joy to me. I didn't know that before. I thought I was kind. I wasn't really, I was scared of losing approval of the masses. I really wish I was. I want to be. But I'm not really. I am working on falling in real love with the heart of the world. It's a really big sweet crush to have.
I like the depth of this new wanting, to love better, fuller, with more innocence, with greater bravery and more active acknowledgement of the sweet human wick each of us precious candles longs to have ignited via kind gestures, moments of profound compassion. To be kind because of the hugeness of the joy of serving and loving purely.
And I'm not fake liking where I am right now. Yes, it is very ego bruising to see that I am not nearly as kind or compassionate as I want to be or even as I thought I was when lies were way more in fashion with me. But it's also freaking wonderful.
I feel like a secret garden just broke open somewhere deep in me, only it's not just a garden, it's a portal to an infinity of secret gardens inside everyone, all of us.
What does it mean to be truly kind? What does it feel like to be within the secret gardens that compassion and kindness are the only portal to?
I don't know. I'm so excited to find out. And I think being truly kind to myself is the first beautiful step.