it's way before dawn and the sky is falling. The kitchen below me is filled with smells of toast, coffee and the crazy early tinkle of laughing wild women. It's not yet 4 am and the wild rumpus has begun.
What began as a quiet invitation from a beloved friend has bloomed into a pilgrimage to the church at the top of the world to stand in the face of a brand new rising sun.
Crammed into a Benz, fat with laughing and rain coursing down my face I remembered a few months back, almost dying and then the loneliness. And the grief of having no true friendships at that moment. Everyone seemed far away, but it was actually me who was far away.
I had chased away the intimacy and profound and utterly delicious joys of real friendships with shitty, careless thinking, and over time, just stopped being a match for friendships that make you want to hang out the roof and scream "fucking hallelujah!"
The lazy thinking started out small and innocuous: I didn't like what a friend was doing. So I gave the unwanted thing all of my attention and pretty soon, I couldn't remember what I ever liked about them because the small magnet of discontent about them had grown and grown and soon all I could see was yuck and no thank you. So I pushed them farther away.
By then I had a good ol' habit of discontent going and it spread to my other friends and I found myself saying no to everyone because they all looked like poop through my poop colored glasses I was wearing.
After a while, as is our way, it got so painful and lonely that I cried out for a renewal of my deepest knowingness about friendship, love, intimacy, comrades, soul mates, tribes and then I sat to listen.
What I heard was: love and joy is the point and friendship is where that alchemy most easily lives. I had been stringent about my thoughts in other areas but had never really considered how I was creating my friendships as well and found myself suddenly thirsty to deliberately craft the friendships of legends, so sweet and deep and FUN and nourishing and interesting that we'd have to dawn pilgrimage to the church at the top of the world just to bear the wonderment of it all.
So now I'm participating in my own destiny, as I once yelled to one of my daughters who'd gotten lost in a day of tubing and was stuck in an unmoving pool and refused to paddle to get back into the river.
You gotta participate in your own destiny
And I'll tell ya, this river of shared joys is worth paddling to get back into. I paddle by appreciating everyone wonderful drippy drop of these glorious beings who choose me and by imagining wonderful futures together, and by staying deeply present in the time we share and by believing in and supporting their dreams.
I also participate in my destiny of wondrous, extraordinary friendships by not filling my time with partial yesses. And I don't chase people who aren't on my frequency. I don't chase anything actually. I use my time to tend my tone and then revel in who shows up as a match for that.
So, darlings, how's your friendship bonanza? Who's showing up for you now? How much fun are you willing to have with this being alive together thing?