In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michaelangelo
~ from T.S Elliot's poem "The Love Song of Alfred J Prufrock"
This line kept wheel-housing through my mind, as I crouched beside a wailing woman, so pristine and beautiful in her full birth arch, sailing into the final stretch of her unassisted birth, because I could feel the ring of women, outside, beyond this room. I had no idea what they were doing. I had no mind to know such things. So much of myself was given over to the birth but I had the peculiar sensation of several realities coalescing simultaneously: the intuitive ethereal realm, the land where poetry lives and is born, and the space where we are all one energy breathing in and out in time with the cosmos, and this one where I found myself, quite unexpectedly, holding her hips and her breath with my presence, my sweat, and with my own howling.
Of course we'd read poetry in the sun on our pilgrimage to her house, a line of women, walking to the woman on her knees, in her own dance with the sun.
Of course I'd had to fight through layers of mental confusion and story telling to reveal bare the stone mountain of my own intuition that morning, and when I finally heard it, it was unmistakably: "go to her, go... GO..."
Of course I'd just told the story of my friend's vision quest where she went up on a mountain and didn't eat or drink anything for four days and four nights. Instead, the family's of the people on the mountain ate and drank for them and sent the energy up the mountain so the Seers could See and be nourished in their clear seeing.
Of course this friend had chosen a completely unassisted birth. What deeper way is there to pilgrim into the heart of your own essential dance with life?
Of course this beautifully challenged a lot of people, as that level of soul swag flies in the face of what we're told about our relationship to our own experience with our bodies and our own ability to dance with what comes our way.
Of course about a week ago, I had a vivid dream that I was catching the baby and she came flying out so fast that I dropped her. Spoiler alert: that came within a millisecond of happening.
Nearing the birth, every time I checked in with Shelby, her vibration was so strong about her ability to engage this path clearly and with wellness for all that my mind felt comfortable attaching to a rigid idea that it would be totally unassisted and I would just celebrate later and not be involved.
My mind doesn't like the steps it takes to stay honestly available to a deep and intuitively connected life. It finds it exhausting to stay curious, open and genuinely playful with the unfolding. It wants every box filled in at all times, and throws fits when the answer is: just keeping listening, keep your ear to the ground, don't go to sleep so deeply that you lose your ability to hear the sea, and in general, stay willing to take the next true step, whatever that might look like.
The hailing got clearer the more I followed it. As the women and I set out, we discovered we'd all brought books of poetry, the reading of which served to drop me in deeper and I began to feel a heightened sense of presence. When we arrived and set up on the lawn, I took out my thousand books and poems and projects I planned to work on through out the day while I was simply was available for whatever that listening was calling me toward.
The hearing had brought me to the yard. I didn't hear beyond that, so I'd planned to catch up on letters and to eat the apples we'd picked on our walk. As I took pen to paper, I felt my writing slow, and a very clear energy open up. One of the women on the blanket said she was experiencing something incredibly powerful in her body. Then the door opened and Shelby's partner called me in. The hearing was calling me deeper. By the time I'd crossed the yard, my focus had narrowed so that by the time I hit the stairs I was Only Present to this Now. Nothing left over. I had now become the thing calling me. I was up to speed with the frequency of the hailing.
As I approached this stunning goddess, naked and weary in her living room, I began to feel an upswell of ancient energy rise in me. I. Just. Knew. What to do, way beyond what my mind knew of birth, I was channeling what the cosmos knew of birth. I felt the world slip away as we rocked deeper and deeper into the waves, crooning, melting into a unit of four, one of us not yet outside, all of us taking turns crying as the swell of energy would pique through one of the human portals, each of us in our turn, struck with the nearly unbearable beauty of this life, of life coming through.
There are so many moments in our lives when we are unsure of what we're doing or if we're in the right place or not. Today was not that day.
Happy birthday baby girl. Catching you as you shot into this world was one of the most exquisite moments of my life.
Love from the Deep,