The Dalai Lama said something to the effect of, "so you think you're enlightened, eh? Try going home and spending a weekend with your family." Except he said it with so much radiant knowingness that he was literally and transcendently incapable of snark.
Luckily for us, I am not yet that full of radiant knowingness. Snark is like half my joke stream.
As I write this, I have just recently gazelle-fled a fight with a community member, all steamed up around the vents and wanting to punch something soft that would maybe explode or scream when I hit it.
Except I'm a little pressed for time. And I've got this going deep habit, so I get to find the deep here, somehow, through what feels like a thicket of blame and fuck-you-ness.
(these are the times when I feel most acutely grateful for my conscious habits, when they hold me and help me take the high road when I might otherwise have spun out)
The question bubbling: how do I go deep when I feel in strife about another human who's close to me in every possible way? The feeling of strife itself, of feeling unsafe, activates that whole amygdala hi-jack thing and all you want to do is run hard and kill the cheetah before it kills you.
To begin to answer the question, I have to pretend I am my own client. This is helpful cuz it reminds me not to be mean to myself.
When I'm feeling in strife, I need acres of tenderness, not yelling.
If I were my own client, I would remind me that, as I very well and fully know, we live in a vibrational universe. If I came into range of a fight with someone who was very out of alignment, that speaks to my own state of being, and it might be a helpful point of entry into the deep, simply for me to own my own innate vibrational complicity. Doing so can release tension from unconscious fighting the situation and our tendencies to blame and disassociate.
Next, I will remind me that it might be too hard or too soon to own my vibrational part in the situation and it might be nicer to just blame and freak out and have a Feel my Feelings Party.
(Insert a Feel my Feelings Party here - read the last blog post if you want more deets on how to have one of those fun guys for yourself)
Feelings fully felt, I will ask Client me if I feel any better.
Client me says yes, I do, but still mentally stuck in the thot that I have a Situation. Client me will point out that it has a capitolized S. Coach me waits until Client me's need need to be acknowledged for cleverness passes and then we move on. To identifying the thot itself. Client me has to pause to find it. I tell me to close my eyes and stop trying to be right for a second and bring all the energy I am bringing to making this a Big Deal and reroute it into being present with the experience itself, without the swarm of judgements.
I watch me sigh. This is the first real moment I've had with it. I take a breath. It's full and sweet. Then I let the breath go. I say, "I'm worried he's a villain, there's something intrinsically wrong and I'll keep drawing in broken men."
Gah. Client me crumples. I smile. How fun it is to see what's beneath the waves. It's such a place of traction! I tell Client me this, who whimpers a little and mutters something to the effect of, "shouldn't I be OVER THIS SHIT BY NOW?" and other self lacerating thing for a while, while I prepare to celebrate this win even more because instead of trying to pretend like this surface drama could be dealt with at it's rumbly hard edges, Client me dared to go deep on it and see what the eff is actually going on, and in doing so, found a place they can dream new, clear, raise up, play open or whatever, but none of that would have happened if Client me had pretended that the fight was about the fight.
Client me had set herself free by being brave about going deep. Good thing she has an excellent coach.
love from the deep,
schizophrenic coach client natalie